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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Texas Jokes

Just a few Texas jokes for ya. 

Say Partner
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some
Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on
the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their
robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing
baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to
keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig
feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."
The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my
children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."
The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Darn, hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"
The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm
back. Now what was the question?"
The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said ,
"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them darn Texans done put out
the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

The Aggie and the Canoe
One day, an Aggie, a longhorn and a Red Raider decided to go out on their brand new fishing boat and cruise the ocean. For quite some time, the three rode around, dodgin the waves, until one wave pushed them hard, and they simply could not gain back control of their boat. Finally, the boat came to a stop, shipwrecked on an unknown island. Then, before they could even regain their bearings, a group of natives ran out and captured them.

When they came to, they were each sitting in a chair in front of a table with only three items on them. There was a gun, a knife and a fork. The chief entered the tent and began to speak.

"You are our prisoners," he says", and now we will eat you for supper and use your skin to make canoes for us to capture more. You may each kill yourselves however with one of the weapons you see before you.

The Longhorn volunteered to go first, and picked up the revolver. With tears in his eyes, the Longhorn pulled the trigger and killed himself instantly. Next, the Red Raider picked up the knife and put it to his heart. He shoved it into his chest and fell limp against the chair. Then the Aggie looked at the three weapons and finally picked up the fork. He began to stab himself all over.

The chief looked at him quizzically and said, "What are you doing?"

The Aggie stopped momentarily and said, "I'm ruinin' your canoe!"


Baloney said...


Lil Sis said...

Love the Aggie joke!!

PJ said...

Triple Dog Dare accepted - you can't say I wasn't here :) Love the TX jokes; may steal a few!

backwoods conservative said...

There was an old cowboy who had a dachsund with a body five feet long. As he explained to his friends, "There was a voice inside my head that kept saying 'Get a long, little doggy'."